


return address

by renmoojunskz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Depression, Fluff, Letters, M/M, Previous Abuse, Sad, Sad to Fluff, Slow Burn, Toxic Relationship, for good reason, he just used to be, hyunminsung for a bit, i swear changbin isnt a horrible person, idol!changbin, just give him time pls, mature for drinking/language, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:08:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21755014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renmoojunskz/pseuds/renmoojunskz
Summary: changbin left years ago without a goodbye. their relationship was always rocky. but jisung receives letters from changbin with no return address occasionally.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 50





	1. beginning

jisung will never, ever get over the feeling of seeing the small letter in between his junk mail.

and he will never stop feeling the overwhelming sadness when each letter is 6 or 7 sentences and never has a return address.

he will never stop feeling his chest ache and ribs compress when someone brings up spearb in conversation.

but, that never stops him from smiling along and watching every single show.

  
  


today marks 2 whole years since changbin left.

and he receives his first letter in 4 months.

_ good night, love. ill always see you in my dreams and in the stars above my deepest longings. _

only 2 sentences this time.

it really shouldn't hurt jisung that he left. they never really were "exclusive". at the end at least. but sometimes he wishes that changbin will walk through that door like he never left. like the fight never happened.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


jisung remembers their first kiss easily. it's always the first loving memory that comes to mind.

how he knew he loved changbin months before he accepted it.

and how changbin seemed to make every piece of his life fall right into place even from the first minute.

and that kiss was something out of a fairytale.

if your sort of fairytale involves blaring music and drunk friends, then sure.

but at least jisung was sober.

and changbin never drinks.

or, he never used to. jisung isn't so sure anymore. 

but then again, he isn't so sure about anything changbin does now a day's.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


jisungs days flow by a set in stone schedule.

every morning monday through friday, he wakes up at 8am and goes to work until 6. he gets home and showers before checking his mail and spending the rest of the day catching up with whatever he missed online.

whether it be a new hurricane over in america, a new rising pop star in China, or seeing that spearb released tour dates.

and his tour dates never come to busan.

maybe that's because changbin doesn't want to see him.

or maybe changbin knows if he does see jisung he will never let him go again.

jisung likes to think its the second option, but deep in his heart he knows it's probably the first.

tonight, after opening the letter and placing it with the others in his dresser drawer, he decides to rewatch his and changbins favorite kdrama.

my father is strange.

neither of them really liked the show, more as its so long and time consuming that it was an excuse to stay for just another episode.

I mean, the episodes are 45 minutes long.

he had seen it so many times by now that he can pick any of the 52 episodes and start there and know exactly what is going on. what had happened before, and what will happen after this little fight with the older brother and his dad.

but jisung doesn't mind. 

no other show or movie has ever caught his interest after changbin left.

as he clicks on his 3rd episode of the night, his phone lights up with a notification from twitter.

  
  


_ SPEARB WORLD TOUR. _

he doesn't bother checking this time. no other tour had busan, so why would this one?

with a sigh he decides to sleep early. its only 8 but he knows once he lays down he will fall asleep. he didn't sleep at all the night before.

the thing about changbin is that jisung could never truly let him go.

he was like a hole in jisung's day that he can never fill.

it wasn't healthy.

he's like the one fly that always stays by the light, hitting it over and over until he leaves and then returns to try again later.

constant, loud, and buzzing all through his head.

because even though he had left, he never told jisung good bye.

and jisung likes to think its because he isn't actually gone.

just… taking a little tour of his dreams.

ones that jisung will never be included in.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


the next letter is very surprising.

a week later.

its never that close together.

but jisung opens it, finding the familiar writing.

  
  


_ jisung-ah, _

_ im thinking of you tonight. the stars are just as bright as the night I fell in love. everything is good here. I hope everything is good for you too. _

  
  
  


jisung chuckles.

of course everything isn't good.

but jisung will never admit that to himself.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  


chan barges into jisungs apartment a few nights later around 9pm. 

jisung was in his underwear on his couch eating chips.

"uh.. hi?" 

"hey! get dressed let's go out."

"no thanks."

"oh come on. you haven't gone out with us in ages!" chan smiles, stealing a chip.

"i know. not in the mood."

"you don't have to drink. you can just chill. hyunjin and minho are coming." chan wiggles his eyebrows.

hyunjin and minho had been together over a year and they were very interested in jisung.

jisung thinks they're great. and very cute. but he doesn't feel like dating.

plus he has seen the bad side in relationships all too close.

and he knows minho and hyunjin aren't like that.

but changbin was.

"yeah sure."

jisung regrets it the second the smell of alcohol and smoke hits his nose.

a familiar smell.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


today was a day he missed changbin.

enough to pull out the letters and reread them.

he always gets like this when he remembers enough.

the good things that is.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  


the headline hits him like a train.

"Rapper Seo Changbin under fire for a video that surfaced of him hitting his rumored girlfriend at a bar."

his world slows down.

no no no no no.

he wasn't like that anymore.

it had been months since his last letter. maybe he had gone back to his old ways.

jisungs chest compresses and he wheezes for air.

memories flash through his mind fast.

so he calls chan and waits for the only person who knows why he gets like this.

or how to help.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


jisung liked to believe that every time changbin hurt him that it was because he wasn't in his right mind.

but in reality changbin had anger issues and trust issues. which never really go well together.

changbin got better towards the end. 

until their fight.

but jisung doesn't like to think about that.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


jisung remembers receiving the first letter 2 months after changbin left and one month after his debut.

_ im sorry. forgive me. _

was all it said. but of course jisung couldn't send anything in return. there was no return address.

he could send fan mail but he's sure there's no way changbin would even read it.

so he sticks to hoping that changbin knows he did forgive him. 

and that he wants changbin to come home.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


the media calmed down about changbins small scandal.

it was pushed off as him being drunk.

jisung knows he doesn't drink anymore.

the next letter comes a month later.

  
  


_ jisung, _

_ im always thinking of you. even in the smallest moments. I hope you think of me too. _

  
  


jisung sighs loudly.

his mind could run to a hundred times changbin probably thought of him.

but none were all that good.

jisung watches changbins new music video once and then turns his volume all the way down on his phone before setting it up to stream as he cleans his apartment and goes to work the next day, letting it play on as he sleeps.

he is changbins number one fan.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


0914.

jisung stares at the song title.

he had decided to listen to the rest of the mini album after work and the first thing he sees is the track titled 0914.

his birthday.

jisung gulps. 

the first lyrics hit him like a brick.

"sunshine, i love you."

sunshine.

that was changbins favorite name to call him.

jisung listens to the song with lyrics so clearly meant for him and at the end, he starts crying.

"I am so sorry. come home to me."

jisung sobs loudly. 

"i want to. changbin, i want to so bad. please let me come home." jisung wails.

the night is spent crying. 

he doesn't cry this hard very often.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


2 days later, jisung receives another letter.

they were closer together now.

  
  


_ did you get my message? you know where home is. and you know the date. meet me. _

  
  
  


jisung can't seem to remember how to breathe

somehow, he does know exactly where and when changbin means.

and it's a lot sooner than he is ready for.

he's so busy thinking he almost misses the return address.

almost.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


"im not ready. 2 months."

after 5 hours and at least 100 papers crumpled on the floor, jisung comes up with 5 words to send to changbin.

5 words.

and he sends it.

and he prays that the return address is correct. 


	2. next time, baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's so short!

today is the day.

and jisung is waiting at the familiar bar.

he was in a hoodie and jeans, not bothered.

be knew changbin wouldn't show up.

but it still hurt when he had been sitting there for 6 hours and changbin still hasn't come.

at exactly 1 am, jisung left.

and he gave up.

he was there all day.

so maybe changbin didn't care.

it doesn't really matter anymore.

-

the next few weeks are slow.

and quiet.

jisung wasn't expecting another letter.

but one comes 3 months later.

im sorry I didn't talk to you. I got a little nervous just looking at you. next time, baby.


	3. excitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hyunjin and minho make an appearance. as does changbin.

jisung never sent a letter back.

it had been 3 more months.

he really should just give up. 

the saddest part is that jisung never changed his phone number so changbin could easily text or call him.

sometimes he wonders if he should try to text him.

but today he wasn't thinking about changbin.

he was thinking about how he got fired.

jisung sits at his dining room table surrounded in his whole paystubs and other work papers and pulling at his hair.

he needed to find his old resume because he deleted it on his laptop and he needs to rewrite it.

he finally groans after hours of searching and gives up.

deciding to go for a walk, he finds his headphones and starts blaring music on his way out.

the walk ended at a coffee shop where he sat with his laptop and started rewriting his resume.

after trying for hours and earning a headache, the sun starts to set and he heads home. 

stopping for the mail, jisung sighs, honestly hoping for a letter.

and he gets one.

ripping it open right there, jisung starts to cry pathetically.

jisung, 

you haven't written me back again so i assume you don't want to meet with me anymore. I understand that. if you ever change your mind, i put my return address this time. for now, ill stop writing to you as i know you probably don't read them anymore… I am sorry jisung. and i love you.

jisung takes his time on the stairs, trying to hold himself together and not breakdown.

he didn't want to cry over changbin again.

but that's exactly what happens when he reaches his living room.

his legs give out and he's on the floor sobbing.

this isn't healthy. he shouldn't be doing this.

either he wants changbin, and he writes back, or he finally gives up and moves on.

and both options seem to hurt him the same amount.

-

jisung had made a decision.

he was going to go on a date with hyunjin and minho.

and he wasn't going to regret it.

its today, in a few hours.

jisung is stuck on whether he should wear something nice and put effort into how he looks or dress normally.

he isn't sure what the plan was. 

both boys had been excited when jisung offered the idea and simply told him to get ready and they would be here soon.

he finally settles on jeans and a plain white shirt.

the hardest part of this would be looking like he's having a good time.

he loves his friends.

and he loves spending time with them.

but a date is different and the only thing he can think of right now is changbin.

someone knocks and he smooths his shirt and goes to answer it.

hyunjin tackles him almost tumbling to the floor.

hes much bigger than jisung.

"hi! im so excited!"

he was like a large puppy.

"hi," jisung greets quietly.

minho smiles warmly and pulls him into a short hug where he kisses the side of jisungs head and whispers gently. "if you don't want to do this you don't have to."

but his hands rubbing at jisungs sides are telling him please come. we want this so bad.

"no, it's okay. I want to."

minho smiles again, "then let's go."

-

jisung was exhausted. 

it had been years since he spent that much energy in one day.

but he had fun.

he changes into shorts and a tank top and plops on the couch.

it was pretty late, he just got home.

they went for dinner at a small diner then to see a movie and after for a walk.

minho seemed to be the calm one of the two and hyunjin was just excitable.

jisung hadn't talked much but he made sure to tell them he had fun and let both of them kiss his cheeks when they dropped him off.

but even though it was fun, jisungs heart twists as he notices the letter sitting on his coffee table.

after he threw it there, he didn't have the heart to touch it again.

maybe he should write back.

just to say sorry. or tell changbin to move on.

he probably already had.

-

changbin checks his mail everyday for 4 months after sending that last letter.

but he never gets anything.

each day there was no reply, he got sadder and sadder.

and he felt more and more like quitting and running right back to jisung.

he wanted to so bad.

today he was off, he had no schedule.

so he hurriedly types in jisungs instagram user and checks.

jisung never posts but changbin likes to look at old photos. some with him.

but today, there's a new photo.

a picture of jisung with two boys on either side, all smiling widely and huddled close together.

it was edited with cute hearts and cheesy quotes and the caption made changbins heart squeeze in his chest.

I love my boyfriends they always know how to make me smile.

boyfriends.

changbin lets out a dry laugh.

wow, that fucking hurt.

it shouldn't hurt. changbin left him. he has every right to move on.

but jisung is his.

he was sure of that.

and he wanted jisung back.

but he didnt do anything, instead he sits and stares at his wall, at the small photo sitting there.

he will never forget that photo.

the two smiling faces stare back at him, almost taunting him.

and changbin cries.

"jisung, im sorry."

-

"5 months!" hyunjin yells as he pounces on the two sleeping boys in bed.

jisung groans, "hyunjin seriously?"

minho grunts, rolling over and tugging jisung into his chest and burying his face in his shoulder.

"get up! get up i made breakfast!"

both boys eyes pop open. "you made-"

"you touched the stove?" minho sits up.

"no… I ordered it but I wanted to make it…" 

minho lets out a breath "alright thank god. we will be up in a second."

hyunjin disappears and minho begins kissing every inch of jisung that his lips can reach.

"stop." jisung mumbles. 

"no you're so cute."

"i said stop, hyung." jisung pulls away and stands, finding his clothes.

"don't be like that, sung. you'll make hyunjin upset. he loves celebrating even the dumbest things."

jisung gives him a look. "im going to work. make the bed before you two leave. and yes, leave. i don't want you here tonight."

"jisung-"

"im not changing my mind."

minho sighs and gets up as jisung disappears.

jisung lets hyunjin hug him and grants him a kiss before snatching a muffin and a cup of coffee.

"bye hyunjin, clean up before you leave please. I love you." 

hyunjin gives him a sad look. 

"alright," jisung lowers his voice and pulls hyunjin's face to his level. "you can come back when i get home but i don't want minho hyung here. deal, baby?"

hyunjins eyes light up. "deal!" he grins and kisses jisung again.

jisung pats his head and leaves for work.


	4. confused

jisung flinches.

but he doesn't back down.

he's learned that he needs to defend himself. protect himself.

"dont you dare fucking hit me." 

"what the fuck did you say to me?"

"don't touch me."

"hyung please don't…" hyunjin whimpers.

jisung isn't sure if minho has ever been like this to minho.

and he's not sure why he does this to jisung.

maybe he's fucked up in the head.

or maybe jisung deserves it somehow.

"just leave. walk out. go. and don't come back." jisungs breathing was even and his voice steady but he was scared.

minho stares him down before finally turning and stomping out, slamming the door.

hyunjin hurries after him.

jisung doesn't have the energy.

so he just takes his phone and finds changbin old contact and presses call, praying that the number is the same.

"i swear if you keep fucking calling me im going to get the police on your ass-"

"hyung?"

".... jisung?"

"hey."

its quiet.

"changbin..?"

"yeah. yeah yeah. whats… whats up?"

"are you in seoul?"

"i am."

"are you busy?"

"if you need me I'm not. whats wrong?"

relief floods over jisung but he is shaking. "can we meet? can you come over? or can i go to you?"

"anything. whatever works."

"i can't drive."

"are you okay?"

"god no."

"ill drive to you. same apartment?"

"yes."

"okay. ill be there in 10 minutes."

those were the longest and shortest ten minutes of jisungs life.

he isn't sure why he called changbin.

he shouldn't have. changbin was just like minho at one time.

but he needed him more than anything in this moment.

when changbin shows up, he doesn't knock.

and he finds jisung on his couch, crying quietly and shaking.

"jisung?"

the younger dashes straight into his arms.

he smelled the same. he felt the same.

it was the same.

he cries harder.

"hey…what happened?"

"why did you fucking leave me? if you hadn't left this wouldn't have happened. i would have never gotten depressed or started dating minho and hyunjin and i never would've had minho calling me useless and hitting me until i couldn't see. this is your fault. i hate you."

changbin didn't know how to reply.

so he sat down on the floor and let jisung curl around him and cry.

his heart pounded in time with jisungs.

after a while, he calmed down but didn't move his head from changbins shoulder.

"why did you leave?"

changbin took a breath. "im sorry."

"that doesn't mean anything to me. please tell me why."

"i think now isn't a good time.."

"then go. just go. i shouldn't have called."

"jisung you shouldn't be alone its dangerous-"

"go! get out!" jisung screams. he was standing now, screaming at changbin.

his face was red and his body shaking.

changbin gets up. "jisung really i-"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!!!" it was barely audible, the words, it was just scream.

changbin looks at him. "i love you."

jisung slaps him. hard.

"i deserve that."

"leave."

"im going. im sorry."

and he does leave.

he makes it down the stairs and into his car where he sits and stares at the wheel and starts crying.

he really had thought jisung called because he wanted him back.

he was wrong.

this was the sign. the universe wants him to move on.

changbin drives home in silence while jisung sits on his living room floor crying harder than he had in months. maybe years.

and one name touches his tongue, filled with regret and longing.

but his heart was so confused.


	5. later

the next few months, jisung forgets what his own voice sounds like.

he talks to none of his friends and he quits his new job. 

those months the only thing he saw was his bedroom walls.

he doesnt remember the last time he showered.

or brushed his hair. or shaved. 

at some point he had turned his phone off completely and doesnt even know where it is at this point.

his landlord had been coming in dropping off mail after the first few weeks when it piled up but never looked for jisung.

today, jisung gets up for the first time in a few days in search of food. 

he settles on some stale chips and a soda and goes back to his room in the dark.

later, he hears his door open. 

he thinks nothing of it, thinking its his landlord, until his bedroom door opens.

"jisung?" 

jisung looks up.

"jisung." chans voice is nearly relieved.

jisung sinks lower in his bed.

"where have you been? your phones been off for like a month i thought you went somewhere. we are all really worried about you. hyunjin and minho came to me and said that you broke that off. you were so happy jisung what happened?"

chan sits on the bed.he obviously notices how bad jisung smells but says nothing.

"just been here." jisungs voice is rough, cracking. it hurts a little too.

"jisung…what happened?"

"minho is abusive. and i got tired of dealing with it so i kicked him out. then i calling changbin i sont know why.then i screamed at him and slapped him and kicked him out too. and ive just… been here."

"baby why did you call changbin? you should have come to me."

"i miss him."

"he ruined your life."

"it was my fault."

"stop. it wasnt."

"it was."

"he used to abuse you-"

"yeah he did.then we fixed it remember? a lot of therapy and shit. then that stupid fight and he left me. i was just mad that he wasnt spending time with me anymore and i was being stupid and he left and hes all i had. and i fucking miss him."

"im sorry jisung."

"please leave me alone." jisung feels tears prick his eyes.

"no. lets get you a shower and then we can call changbin and talk with him. okay?"

jisung sniffs loudly. "he probably doesnt want to talk to me."

"im sure he does. theres at least 20 letters on your counter from him."

jisung looks up. "really?"

chan nods. "so let's get you cleaned up and then we can talk to him okay?"

jisung nods.

the shower felt good. so good that jisung never wanted to leave.

but he eventually did, clean and shaved and he felt a little better.

chan was cleaning his room, which was a disaster, when he got back.

"thanks.."

chan just smiles. "call him."

jisung searches around until he finds his phone and turns it on.

many notifications fill his screen.

he ignores them and finds changbins contact and presses call.

voicemail.

jisung looks at chan.

"text him then."

jisung types a shaky message.

hey. call me when you can please?

and hits send.

he doesn't expect an answer right away.

later.

jisung lets out a breath.

"okay. that's good. now. let's go get you some food okay?" 

jisung nods and lets chan guide him out, past the counter with his piles of mail.

**Author's Note:**

> twt: hanseobinss


End file.
